“No carbs before Marbs…”

Sure Marbella’s got its fair share of bellends - looking at you Joey Essex.

But between the glitz, fake tan and Bacardi Breezers there’s a (slightly) more sophisticated side…

La Virginia

First things first, get off the golden mile (the stretch connecting the city to the nightclub hellhole of Puerto Banús).

You’re now surrounded by traditional Andalusian neighbourhoods. La Virginia is a beaut. It’s all white-washed buildings, flower baskets and locals who don’t have English accents.

Artola Dunes

You know that ‘Welcome to Spain’ postcard where a girl with sandy ass cheeks in a tiny white thong winks at you? That’s the jist of Marbella’s beaches - cept your sharing it with a million other sandy cracks.

Escape the hordes at Cabopino Beach, hidden in the Artola sand dune reserve. Just prepare to get your junk out - it’s nude only.

Dali Sculptures

Why are there 10 Dali sculptures hanging out in the centre of Marbella?

Who cares, we’ll take it.

If you wander down the Avenida del Mar you’ll find the bronzed beasts signed by the man himself. Look out for ‘Elefante Cosmico’ and the ‘Don Quixote Sentado’.

If you can’t beat em…

Unless you’re a complete prude, chances are you’ll spend a night at ‘Port of Abuse’ (Puerto Banús).

It’s chockablock full of skin-tight V necks and dodgy EDM. For a more alternative scene (relatively speaking) try Mala Suerte for local rockstars and a chilled rooftop terrace. You won’t find the Marbie Barbies here.

La Alameda Park

You’re gonna need some down time after a couple of nights in Marbs…

La Alameda Park’s your one.

Recover under giant tropical plants and lie out on the mosaiced tiled benches, so cool on your crispy skin.

TOWIE’s forever branded Marbella a gym-bod, champagne-fuelled, party town but there’s art and nature to be found amongst the fake tits and designer boutiques. FIND THEM.