And who the hell AM I to be drinking in LA?

You’ll keep asking yourself, seeing off cosmos in rooftop bars and living the baller dream. This place is PVC-trimmed hedonism, with relentlessly good weather and dramatic rolling hills.

You know it from The Moovieeez - even the palm trees here play Michael Jackson…. Say hello to LA.

LA is massive, and you can spend a long time trying to get around it (if you’re a mug). The BEST way to see it all is by open top bus (trust).

The voice of the audio guide sounds exactly like ‘Yes Guy’ from The Simpsons. You will not tire of his sassy asides and celeb gossip as you cruise around Beverly Hills, Hollywood and Downtown LA.

“And here we are at the mansion where OJ Simpson BRUTALLY MURDERED his wife Nicole!” 😅

Hop on and off as many times as you like.

This place is about as close as you’ll get to setting foot in a Bond Villain’s lair.

It’s a modern mansion-slash-art-museum with an exotic, well-kept garden (owned by J.Paul Getty, of ‘Getty Images’).

It’s the kind of place that has heavy set iron doors which close silently behind you, and a 10/10 view across the city.

Free to enter plus you have to take a monorail up to it, which adds to the effect.

Because LA's freaky as fook and filled with cracked-out film stars etc thrift shopping here is next level.

Melrose street market is only there on Sundays - but everything is $1!!! 🙀

Go with sharpened elbows and grab as many piles as you can, whisk out the gold and chuck the rest back into the sea of butters items.

Then head on to the Melrose Trading Post - it’s like an upmarket car-boot on roids with everything from diamante skulls to suede jackets.

Is a perfect stretch of sand with a funny, tacky ferris wheel at one end and funny, tacky people at the other.

Stroll down the boardwalk passing taco restaurants, tattoo parlours, fortune tellers… dodging rollerbladers, palm readers, crystal sellers... and the Snapchat HQ.

And all the way down there’s people ranting animatedly. Actors learning their lines? (Nope)

It’s a sensory blitzkrieg.

“City of Stars, are you shining just for me?”

Up in the hills opposite the notorious Hollywood sign is The Griffith Observatory.

Head for sunset and see the city’s haze turn pink and start to shimmer as the streetlights turn on (and do your best 'La La Land' tap dance).

Plus, if you wrap a beer in a brown paper bag, it makes it invisible to police, therefore legal to drink. Score.

Sushi and tacos are your friends in LA.

Tortilla Republic does decent Mexican small plates (think carnitas, ceviche etc) and Kazu Nori in downtown does tasty hand-roll sets for under $20.

BUT you kinda have to go to In n Out Burger. It's the very best of sloppy American cuisine. The ‘animal fries’ are covered in crunchy onions and cheese (and no animals).

Plus the kitsch diner interior makes you feel like you’re in America (which you are).

The Rooftop at The Standard Hotel is the sort of place you hope exists outside music videos.

It’s got a swimming pool, and those sofas that you lie on like a bed. It smacks of LA.

And the music’s on point - fun discoey-house, plus strangers who aren’t too cool to do the worm.

(Drinks are baller prices, so neck a few before you show up and check the website for tickets.)

For early cocktails Good Times at Davey Wayne’s in downtown is well worth a visit. You walk through a fridge (!) to find a bar decked out like James Bond Film shot in the 70s. Think leathery chairs and mahogany doors, and a twinkly outside bit serving slushy cocktails.

LA is freaky-neon-fun times with an extra helping of beach and an extra slice of weird. Go for all the good things, and leave as broke as the wannabe filmstars trying to make it here.