“Bratislava? Isn’t that near Budapest or something?”

Don’t start.

The underdog of Eastern European ‘stag spots’, there’s more to the Slovakian capital than its £1 pints… but it helps.

But just how far will £20 get you in Bratislava?

Stare Mesto (Bratislava's Old Town) is a beaut square of cobbled streets and candy buildings. It costs exactly nothing to wander round 👌

Only a noob would go to Bratislava and NOT visit the castle. Clamber up staircases made for Empress Maria Theresa on horseback (she was a porker) and head for the Crown Tower.

Panoramic views over Austria, Hungary and Slovakia greet you at the top.

Ahhh the River Danube. Sounds poetic, like a sweeping body of water peppered with classical bridges and love-locks.

Take yer head out the clouds. The Danube’s nice enough for a quick peep, but the Bratislava end is cut in half with a motorway. Lower your expectations, and you’ll be having free fun in no time.

Last on the list of historical funsies - make a wish at St Michael’s Gate (locals promise it’ll come true) then climb the green copper tower for views and a statue of a saint casually slaying a dragon.

If you fancy it, €15 will get you a Bratislava Card that gives you the runabout of public transport in any zone, access to 12 museums and the UFO tower AND a free hour-long tour of the city 💸 💸 💸

Not about organised fun? Don’t sweat it, the museums are fine, but the real gold is in Bratislava’s free (and weird) sculptures.

“Got anything fat-free?’

Pirôžky hole-in-the-wall does one thing: deep-fried doughnuts. Grab a poppy-seed marmalade one for 50 cents, then immediately have another.

For dinner, a Bratislavan secret. Pod Kamenným Stromom is far away from the stag-do ladz, serving slabs of pickled cheese and elderflower G&Ts. A main will set you back about £6.

KC Dunaj is the classic (and great) broke traveller option - poetry slams, IPAs, vintage vinyls and sailor tatts. Head to the roof if the weather’s nice.

If you’re fed-up of the broke life, Bratislava is one of the only places in the world where you can actually afford to go to the opera. Get a ticket at the Slovak National Theater for £6 (champagne is £1.50) and sit back like the Earl of Smugington 💅

Got some silver left? Splash it all on cocktails in the UFO Tower (yup). Entry was banned during communism cos you could see all the way to capitalist Austria. Enjoy those imperialist views with a lime-green mojito (£6).

Thumping techno ✅ Cheap beer ✅
Ex-Cold War Bunker ✅

Subclub will see you right. Entry is about £9, but drinks are cheap AF.

Opera, doughnuts and dirty techno with change from a £20? If Bratislava isn’t on your map, it should be.