If The Channel Islands were a person they’d be a duchess who comes from old money and lives on a French estate where the horses are allowed inside, the morning tipple is gin, and she’s lost count of her ex-husbands...

We’re talking MONEY HONEY 💅

Think supermodel sandy beaches, bougie lobster restaurants, and hiking trails to make David Atty weep. We’re bringing you all the best places to stay and beaches to spreadeagle on...

To misquote Meghan Trainor, it’s all about that beach (bout that beach, no treble) 🤔

We’ll start with the biggest of the Channel Islands, Jersey. This guy’s still a titch measuring just nine miles by five. But before you start pinching it’s cheeks, it wants to be taken SERIOUSLY. Kick things off at Plemont Bay where the cliff tops melt away into a sheltered beach 🍦 Sloth about on the sand dipping into sea caves and natural waterfalls or take the coastal route over the cliffs.

Prefer your beaches supersized? St. Brelade’s Bay is the big dog 🌭 It’s bigger, wider, and badder than the rest. On a hot day, you’ll have to dodge windbreakers to nab a spot. The payoff is that you’re right next to all the beach bars and restaurants.

Or there’s Ouaisne Bay where you can follow the gently curving road from the caves as St. Brelade (stopping at The Old Smugglers Inn) all the way to Beauport Beach. Which looks like something out of Robinson Crusoe.

Gird your loins, it’s time for Guernsey. Smaller than its sister but just as cute, the beaches here are a little more chilled out ✌ Port Grat is a locals fave but a bit of a secret to newbs. Come when the sun is setting for barbecues in the horseshoe-shaped bay.

Cobo Bay is the opposite. A show-off strip of beach that the others roll their eyes at. It’s stupid pretty with stretches of white sand and lively bars serving up cocktails that are more spenny than your rent.

For surfers, you can’t do better than Vazon Bay 🏄 This is where the wetsuit brigade gathers. More of a spectator? Get yourself a shredded crab sarnie from Richmond Cafe and take it all in.

You’ll be spending most of your time turning into a smokey frazzle on the beach. BUT we’ve got one must-do activity on Jersey and Guernsey…

In Jersey, make for the southeastern flipper (La Rocque Harbour) and walk along the beach when the sun’s set. All-year-round glow worms light up the bioluminescent shores 🐛

In Guernsey check out one monk's mission to vajazzle a chapel... The Little Chapel has been bejewelled with pebbles, shells, and bits of china to make it looks like a rainbow grotto hidden in the trees.